An Assortment of USED CARTS FOR SALE!!

Shout out to AlwaysDecent for wheel design and generally being an inspiration with his many slabs and boards! Thank you!

(The scene opens with TYLERH8SU wearing a lime-green doublet and a magical headset that screams into everyone’s ears. He is slapping the wooden side of a beat-up, two-wheeled wagon.)
TYLERH8SU"HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU WITH THE SAD LOOKING PARTY AND THE OVERBURDENED HALFLING! Are you tired of walking across the Sword Coast like a peasant?! Of course you are! You look PATHETIC!"
(He kicks a wheel; it wobbles dangerously.)
TYLERH8SU"I’m TylerH8sU and I DESPISE every single one of you! That’s why I’m practically GIVING AWAY this 1488 'Chariot of Fire' Edition Ox-Cart! This bad boy has 0.5 horsepower, genuine imitation-leather seating, and a 'Light' cantrip stuck on the bumper that only flickers when you hit a pothole!
The previous owner was a Level 1 Wizard who got disintegrated, so you KNOW the upholstery is basically brand new! Don't look at the bloodstains, look at the STORAGE SPACE! You can fit three chests of loot or one very dead Paladin in the back!"
(He leans in uncomfortably close, smelling like cheap ale and desperation.)
TYLERH8SU"What’s it gonna take to get you into this rolling deathtrap today? 500 Gold? NO! 400? I HATE MYSELF! Give me 250 Platinum and I’ll throw in a bag of 'Premium' Oats that are 40% sawdust!
SIGN THE SCROLL OR GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! TYLERH8SU—MY PRICES ARE LOW BECAUSE MY WILL TO LIVE IS LOWER!"
TYLERH8SU: IF YOU DON'T BUY FROM ME, I HOPE YOU ROLL A NATURAL ONE ON YOUR DEATH SAVE!